On letting it go
I've been having a hard time because you left me in the dark not so long ago.
I've felt completely lost, forgotten, and left behind.
They say the irony of grief is that the person we need to talk to the most about how we feel is the person who is no longer here.
And all that I wanted was to talk to you, to make you see how hurt I was, maybe in the hope you would realize it hurts you to hurt me.
But you are not dead. It was your choice to cut all our communication. It was your choice not to be with me.
I've been having a hard time because my friends look at me and keep telling me I deserve better, that I shouldn't let this drag me down, that I have to eat, that I will be better off, and that the pain will go away, that this is better lost than found.
I've been having a hard time because I was trying to rationalize my pain. I was trying to understand how you could simply ignore me and keep moving on with your life.
I couldn't believe that the person who more than told me, the person who showed me they loved me, was the same person telling me that they were deep in love with me, but it was not actually love; it was just lust. I keep telling myself I should know better than wanting to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and that there is no point in forcing myself to be part of your life.
But the fact is, right now, I am hurting.
And the best I can do is to live through the pain. It is not about getting over it.
I just want to vent all my frustration without hearing advice. I am thinking about how much I love you and feeling all the contrast and pain this brings.
I am tasting my tears and feeling this elephant's weight on my chest.
But it is not because love hurts. It was not love who did this to me. How you behave, interact, and communicate is a reflection of how you understand yourself. And I am just sorry that you didn't feel you could feel your feelings and talk to me openly.
And I know it is not my fault. I know it is not about me.
I didn't choose to fall in love with you, and I didn't choose to fall head over heels, to fall so hard, and face first. I just fell.
And I loved you to the best that I could, and although right now it hurts, I won't let this pain change the way I love. I will keep my heart open and loving with all of me because it is much better to mourn the loss of a relationship than the loss of myself.