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  • Writer's pictureVanessa Leite

Can you feel it?

My heart is pounding.

the answer is yes.
Would you say this person can't really feel?

I don't feel well. I don't feel unwell either.

I'm not fully happy. And I'm also not fully unhappy.

"What does that mean?" -- I keep asking myself.

Honestly, I don't know. And even more honestly, sometimes, I think I don't care.

I'm just feeling blunt.

I feel I should do something, but I don't feel like doing anything.

I wake up, I go to the gym, I have my healthy breakfast, I follow my diet.

I work, I get things done for my Ph.D. I go on dates. I go out with my friends. I travel around.

Sometimes I feel I'm running away from my life, but it seems I'm living it, I've never done so many things at the same time before!

I just really don't know what's going on. It feels like I'm seeing everything happening from the outside.

Do I know how to feel?

Why my heart is pounding?

Why my stomach is hurting?

Sometimes, I want to feel anything. Anything.

Is that why I'm throwing myself into life?

Going for experiences randomly or carelessly?

I don't even know what I want.

"What do you want?" -- says the voice again inside my head.

I don't know... I don't know... I wish it was that simple. I wish I could just know what's wrong.

There's just nothing to complain about in my life, that's the thought of those who watch my life from the outside.

And, believe me, I know it. I feel I'm watching it from the outside as well.

And, that's the truth: I don't feel entitled to complain about anything.

I look around, everyone is going through things... Things that are way more important, things that are way more serious. And there's me: not happy, not unhappy, and I don't even know why.

I know I'm privileged. I'm blessed. I'm lucky.

What's wrong then? Why do I feel like this? Why I don't feel?

I want to just feel again.

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