Don't be afraid of being afraid
It's been stressful times. I feel my heart pounding more than ever. My muscles contract involuntarily. And I know: I'm afraid.
There's so much we don't know. There's so much I don't know!
I like to have things planned. I like to be able to predict what's going to happen. A few curve balls here and there are okay; after all, that's life.
But now, I've been facing a massive makeover in my world. All that I had as sure things soon won't be sure anymore. And this is terrifying.
To face the changes, I created a plan. I have a plan of what I'm supposed to do. And that's how I decide to face the unknown in my life. As far as I remember (what, honestly, is not much cause my memory sucks), I always did that: I create plans and actions to deal with the uncertain.
However, sometimes, you can not put up a plan. Some things are entirely out of our control. What other people think or feel is an excellent example of that.
"you don't have to be afraid of telling me anything", I've heard after trying to explain things I feel, and I'm somewhat embarrassed.
"see, it did work out well; you said it, and it's all fine."
Indeed. But opening up puts us in a highly vulnerable position. The ones we love are the ones that can hurt us the most.
I'm someone that wears the heart on the sleeve.
I'm a person that loves, and it makes me happy to be able to do that. To be able to be as affectionate as I want to be. As much as I feel it's needed.
And, sometimes, this fantastic thing hurts.
"you fall too hard, too quickly. Put up some walls, protect yourself."
I know, girl, I know.
And I could put up a wall. I could don't let me get there. I've done it before; sure, I can do it again. But what good does it bring to me? I don't want to.
I've decided I don't want to be afraid of being afraid. I don't want the fear of being hurt or failing to stop me.
I can't control what others feel; I can only decide what I want to do when they let me know.
There's no point in trying to guess it. And, for me, even less in avoiding all the great things of now because of something that might not even happen.
I don't know tomorrow. But I can decide how I'm living today.
Does this mean I am fearless now? I wish.
I'm still terrified.
I'll probably still struggle to move and act while facing my fears and insecurities, and yeah, I'm not sure if they will be used to hurt or manipulate me.
But I want to enjoy the ride and to have the highs. Even knowing, statistically speaking, I'll face the low sooner or later.
Isn't it better to try and fail than never knowing what could have been?