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  • Writer's pictureVanessa Leite

I'm fine! Totally fine! Idk why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, cuz really, I'm fine.

Updated: Jun 13, 2022

spoiler alert: I am not.

It has been a couple of rough days.

I have presented my Ph.D. project to my institute, and I got quite some lovely feedback. But I got two that really put me down: "I don't see any progress from your last presentation", and on an evaluation of the "worthiness" of my project, someone says it's a two. Out of ten.

My last presentation was almost a year ago. That's heavy. I have to finish my Ph.D. this year because I don't have more time, which has been a constant pressure, and this message went straight to my deep fears.

It shook me, but well, I'm fine.

The next day, I got not such bad news: I have diagnosed with some cervical dysplasia eight months ago, nothing to do but wait for my immune system to respond, and last week, I had a second check: well, my immune system didn't really respond... the level of dysplasia didn't increase, but I got more spots with it, but "you have nothing to worry for now" said the doctors.

Let's wait for more six months and see how it goes.

And yeah, I'm totally fine.

One day more passes, and I get a call: your grandpa died. He was not in the greatest state, but neither is my mom. I call my sister, and it's on me to break the news to my mom.

There are just no amount of words to explain my feelings. I was not that close anymore with my grandpa, but I am with my mom, and I see how she's hurting. And there's just nothing I can do from across the ocean.

I don't know why this is coming out all loud and squeaky.

Same day and a friend says "I'm covid positive, you should test yourself".

I don't have any symptoms, and by now, I thought I was immune (jokes on me).

I do a home test, and two lines light up like fairy lights.

It's me breaking down.

But really, I'm fine.

I tried to sit down, breathe, and keep doing my things, and when I least expected it, I was crying terribly, and I didn't even know why. It is not one thing; it is kind of all together.

Then in one moment, it goes away, and I'm fine. I blink, and suddenly I'm not. WTH.

I just need a hug so badly. I'm waiting for my PCR result. Praying to a god, I don't even believe, it will be negative. I need to meet my friends. I just need someone now.

Honestly, I don't wanna hear things will be okay. I don't wanna know that I'm strong, and I gotta go through this.

I just want a hug and terribly cry while I'm being held.

I'm not okay.

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É o fim de uma era. E eu não posso deixar de agradecer às pessoas que seguraram minhas mãos, enxugaram minhas lágrimas, trouxeram sorrisos ao meu rosto e me deram força e serviram de inspiração. Esses

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