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  • Writer's pictureVanessa Leite

My masks in sex - and that’s not a kink

I always had a high sex drive. And, even though I was married for a long while, I got to experience things that my friends couldn’t possibly dream of.

I used to not talk about it with my friends because I could see some surprise or judgment on their faces. And I used to think, "OMG, that's not even the tip of it.”

I had this mask where I would behave as if sex was just a thing we do every now and then, missionary position, vanilla even. After all, I was a married woman, and that was what I understood as expected. I would see my friends using sex as some kind of trophy, sometimes as a threat to their partners: "if you don't behave nicely, there will be no sex.” I never understood that. Inside me, sex would burn with ties, chokes, and all sorts of toys and kinks. Why would I also punish myself if my partner didn't do something I wanted?

When I got single, now in my thirties, it opened up a new world.

I knew what I liked and wanted and felt free to talk about it: I was no longer a married woman.

In this new phase, I started to get the craziest and most incredible experiences I have ever had: when we open up to sex, when we just are in the moment, it becomes a unique experience for everyone involved.

There's nothing more powerful than knowing yourself.

However, when I started to talk about it, I got a lot of comments and faces. "OMG, again?" "I could never do that,” "yeah, you are definitely a whore".

And, as weird as it sounds, even with fascinating experiences, I started to doubt myself: "am I a whore indeed?", "should I behave differently?". It is pretty impressive how much power we give to the ones we like.

Once more, I saw myself wearing a mask. I started to hold myself back. I was not the married woman that should be basic, but now I was the single woman in her thirties that should be more careful and want a stable relationship.

But, inside me, sex would still burn. And every new experience would bring this feeling back. I was feeling like myself, happy and fulfilled. More than ever. No, I am not a whore for liking sex. No, I am not a whore for talking about it. No, I am not a whore for, as a single woman, having multiple partners.

And suddenly, I turned on a "don't care" switch regarding my sex life: every time I would hear a comment about me being a whore, I would acknowledge it and say "with lots of pleasure" -- pun intended.

I wanted to be myself and free from people's expectations. However, surprise, surprise: there I was more wearing a mask.

This time, I openly and voluntarily assumed the whore role of the group. In an attempt to break taboos, I ended up overdoing them.

Sex feels such a chain breaker, a tool of liberty in the private sphere, and at the same time, is rooted in so much taboo that it chains me to roles and masks of someone I am not.

All-and-all, I wonder, will a moment arrive when the masks I wear are just part of my kinks?

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