When things derails
Not sure about you, but I am often making plans. Sometimes they are not super serious, sometimes not even long-term, but they are quite often there.
It's about how my week is going to be, what goals I want to achieve, or even what kind of goals I do have.
My opinions and mood change quite drastically every now and then, and I'm okay with that. I think it is great that we have the ability to learn new things and change our opinions and behaviors.
However when things change without my consent (and oh boy, how life likes to do it!), I tend to be very frustrated, and since a few months ago I've learned to channel this frustration into physical activities.
I've been quite active. Gym, pilates, yoga, running, volleyball, hikes... all packed into my routine.
Two weeks ago, though, in a glimpse of a second, I twisted my ankle. And, I mean, it was not the first time in my life. I thought "well, it will be fine, some anti-inflammatory for a few days, some ice and rest, and ill be good to go" but well, one week passed by and I was not great, that was when I decided to go to the doctor for the first time. They told me I had a microfracture that should heal by itself, but I should stay for two weeks with an immobilization boot and without activities.
TWO WEEKS? It might not sound that bad, but it hit me pretty strongly. I really enjoy being active. How was I supposed to cope with that? I got extremely bored with two days at home already, but okay, two weeks, I would think, I can handle. After one week I didn't see any improvement in my ankle. In fact, after the medication finished, it started to hurt a bit more... Something was still off, I had that weird feeling.
Then last Friday I went to the doctor and did an MRI (pretty cool images of my left foot I have now!) and when I got the result, bam! the real bomb was dropped.
I didn't have microfracture, no, that was not it. I completely ruptured two ligaments, got tendinitis, and edema in the bone (like, whaaaaaaaaat!). What already sounded scary got worst when the doctor said: now you will have to use crutches for at least three weeks, ankle stabilization boots for at least six, some physiotherapy after that, and at least four to five months without workout.
Four to five months... I felt like I was about to faint. I know, it sounds like I'm being super dramatic, but it's exactly like I received the news.
I only could think how I've been channeling my frustration into sports... and what was I supposed to do now? In general and also now now. I was so frustrated. four months!?
There's this prayer that, even though I'm agnostic, I always liked cause it seems reasonable:
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."
And I feel now that I know I can not change what happened, and there's nothing I can really do besides accepting and following the treatment.
But being two days into having known it, I can not avoid being upset.
I'm so upset and depressed with this that I don't think anyone would understand. I'm almost angry at myself.
And I know I need the serenity to accept and keep moving forward, but right now I feel like I'm grieving. I need the time to go through all the pain of my frustrated plans, to truly accept I won't be able to achieve and do things I've been longing for. And it feels heavy in my heart.
Because, indeed, to have wisdom is not enough.